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12月29日

The Essence of Nothing

Christmas has come and gone. I can only hope your enjoyment of the holiday was as great as ours. I know I've been remiss in visiting you, but the time with family when we're all together is so precious, I hope you'll understand. My favorite poet returns to Paris in just over a week, and until then, I'm likely to remain incommunicado. In the meantime, I offer this following piece of light hearted fare to help close out the 2006 year. Best wishes to all for a happy, healthy New Year.

BEAN AND NOTHINGNESS.

BY JON FITCH

Hi, and welcome to Bean and Nothingness, New York's first truly holistic coffee bar. My name is Harmony and I'll be your beverage liaison this morning. Since this is your first time with us, why don't you sit in one of our Epiphany Chairs while I give you a quick orientation? Feel free to self-reflect, write poetry, or juggle if the mood strikes.

Here at Bean and Nothingness, our aim is not just to provide you with the sheer tranquility and utter transcendence that only the best coffee and coffee-related products can achieve but also to help you reach complete spiritual self-actualization during your time here. From our socially conscious beverages to our community-oriented pastries and our globally sensitive condiments, Bean and Nothingness is committed to making this a better world one customer at a time, just like it says on the door, and the counter, and the wall. It's not just a slogan, either. No, every staff member here at Bean and Nothingness truly believes that we're making a better world one customer at a time and has sworn it, in blood, under the influence of sodium pentothal. I should also tell you that our coffee pickers are the happiest in the world. While other companies exploit their Third World employees, we at Bean and Nothingness ensure that our field workers are given a constant intravenous drip of MDMA and opiates. Sure, it slows down production and, sure, they spend a lot of time hugging, but, in the end, it's worth it. You can practically taste the love in the beans.

Now, before I present our beverage menu, may I interest you in an Amouchino™? It's an antebeverage, or pre-beverage beverage, served from an eyedropper. The idea is similar to what the French call an amuse bouche—a small appetizer to amuse the palate, except, of course, it's a drink and not an appetizer. Today's flavors are Milagro Sweat and Artic Seal Tears. If you're interested, Klart, our certified Amouchinist™, will be glad to Amouchatisfy™ you with a few drops on your tongue.

No? OK, then. Let's move on to our beverage-menu lexicon. The first thing you should know is that our drinks are served in three sizes—Gandhi, King, and Mandela—with Mandela being the largest. Now, if you want nonfat milk in your drink, ask for a Sub-Saharan. If you want your drink decaffeinated, ask for a Mandarin Opium Den. If you want a double shot of espresso, ask for a Pinochet Helicopter Ride. If you want whipped cream on top, ask for a Hello Sailor Dirty Sanchez. And, finally, if you want boiling hot water thrown in your face and a vigorous kick to the crotch, ask for a venti skinny latte. We hate that. So, let me give you an example. If you wanted to order, say, a small decaffeinated latte with whipped cream, you'd ask for a Gandhi Mandarin Opium Den Hello Sailor Dirty Sanchez Latte. See how easy that is?

Of course, we don't just serve coffee drinks. We serve a variety of liquid-refreshment options that will do much more than just quench your thirst. Our coconut chai will align your chakras. Our prune smoothies will purge the sins of past lives. Our Key-lime shakes will polish your aura. And our wheatgrass cider will cure bad karma. Oh, by the way, if you get tired of our Epiphany Chairs, you can always move over to our Inspiration Bar to work on your screenplay, write your great American novel, or found your Internet-based startup.

Any questions? No? OK, then what can I get you this morning? Just a small cup of coffee, no cream and no sugar? No problem. Hey, Klart, give me a Gandhi Coffee.

That'll be $68.

12月19日

Chocolate - The All Consuming Passion

The countdown is approaching its climax - just a tad over five days left until Christmas. For all those who've been nice all year round, the pressure is on not to slip up in the home stretch. As for the naughty, is it possible to get back into Santa's good graces with so little time left? Do you really think that a big donation to the elves relief and welfare fund will score enough points to neutralize those lumps of coal for which you've been slated? As for me, I'm trying to keep to the high ground, spend as much time as I can with my visiting son, all the while dealing with the stressed out and the lonely that this time of year inevitably brings to my professional door. I chose the easy way out for this piece by retreating to the archives, and offering to you the following item certainly appropriate for the season. And to all my blogland friends who’s Space I may not be able to personally visit during the next ten days, I offer my heartfelt wishes for a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

CHOCOLATE - THE ALL CONSUMING PASSION

For those of you for whom chocolate is not just a passing fancy but a philosophy by which to live, but whose cravings are afflicted with guilt about health and nutrition, I offer the following items.

1) Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask? Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Beans are a vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

2) To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk,
which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

3) Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all
count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

4) If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too
slowly.

5) The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store
in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

6) Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the
edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

7) If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the
fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the
chocolate to protect themselves.

8) If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is
that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

9) Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look
younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

10) Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That
way, at least you'll get one thing done.

11) A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of
calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

12) If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

13) If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

12月13日

Maybe

Hard to believe, but it's less than two weeks until Christmas. I'm excited, for my favorite poet is due to fly in from the Continent tomorrow so that he can spend the holidays with family and friends. I'm sorry to say his poetry output has been on the wane recently. He's been busy with his day job, distracted by the myriad pleasures Paris has to offer, and in his own words "too happy to be writing poetry." While I'm delighted he's in such a blissful state, I miss his evocative stanzas. For now, we'll all have to be satisfied with this offering from another worthwhile source. I post it now, for this is the season we celebrate not only the gifts we have, but also the ones Time has taken from us.

Maybe

for my stepfather

I half believed you were God.

maybe because your IQ was somewhere

way above the tree line.

Or because of your white brows,

your eyes that could see the heart

in a stone. Or because of how

you walked in time with Time,

never in a hurry, or passed your hand

over the land and there grew

trees from China and Lebanon.

Your words, on occasion, had the mischief

of heaven in them. Maybe I wanted

the Ever-After here, in your garden,

with a wish-I-may periwinkle

and all the pastures flicking green.

Did my fantasy go down

with the camellia I threw on your coffin?

Now nothing is left of you but the light.

Monica Adams

12月7日

Santa's Mail

Seeing the grim looks on the faces of some of my co-workers as we approach closer to the day of Christmas, I felt it would be timely to step back and take a lighter hearted look at the Santa story. For those who may be offended at anyone tampering with Santa's good name, please read no further. For the rest of you, here are some letters to and from Santa at the North Pole recovered under the Freedom Of Information Act.

Dear Santa

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I

send you a frigging book called a dictionary, so you can learn to read and write?

I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is Peace and joy

in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my Mommy and

daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you

think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass

constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos

instead.

Santa

------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer

outside the back door.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in

the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend,Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of

my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and

squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.

Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like

in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE

could I have one?

Timmy

&g t; Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work

with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

------------------------------------------------------------------

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself! "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at

school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment

complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your

bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa

12月5日

Talking about A Different Christmas Poem....

This poem appeared on www.Babytreese.spaces.live.com site. I felt more people should read it, so I posted it here. We have a lot to remember during the holidays, and our soldiers should never be left off that list.

Quote

A Different Christmas Poem....

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light, I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.

My wife was asleep, her head on my chest, My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.

Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white, Transforming the yard to a winter delight.

The sparkling lights in the tree I believe, Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.

My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep, Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.

In perfect contentment, or so it would seem, So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near, But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.

Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear, And I crept to the door just to see who was near.

Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night, A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old, Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.

Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled, Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

"What are you doing?" I asked without fear, "Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!

Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve, You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift, Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..

To the window that danced with a warm fire's light Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right, I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night." "It's my duty to stand at the front of the line, That separates you from the darkest of times.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,

I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.

My Gramps died at '

Pearl on a day in December,"

Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."

My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ' Nam ', And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while, But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.

Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag, The red, white, and blue... an American flag.

I can live through the cold and the being alone, Away from my family, my house and my home.

I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet, I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.

I can carry the weight of killing another, Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..

Who stand at the front against any and all, To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright, Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."

"But isn't there something I can do, at the least, "Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?

It seems all too little for all that you've done, For being away from your wife and your son."

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret, "Just tell us you love us, and never forget.

To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone, To stand your own watch, no matter how long.

For when we come home, either standing or dead, To know you remember we fought and we bled.

Is payment enough, and with that we will trust, That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

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12月1日

Ask Your Doctor

I think I may have posted this piece before, but after today, I feel it needs to appear again. One of the things I never fail to be amazed at in my profession is the adult executive who comes into the office on a half dozen medications, knowing the names of none, nor often the reason for which it was prescribed. "You know, doc, small white pills. My wife gives them to me twice a day, and I just take them." What follows is a another take on the same theme.

Ask Your Doctor.

BY ARAN KADAR

- - - -

What seems to be the problem today? A question about one of your medications? No? A question about something you saw on TV. I see, a commercial. He recommended you ask your doctor about ...? The names are hard to remember. A man running through a field. OK, that narrows it down a little. Was he running by himself, toward a woman at the other end of the field, or with a child? By himself. I see. Was he harvesting something? That could be an arthritis medication. Just running. OK, that's probably an allergy medicine. Or something for depression. An outside chance it was for attention deficit disorder or panic attacks. I also wouldn't rule out a combination pill for any one of those problems plus prostate cancer. Do you have allergies? No. Well, then you don't need allergy medicine. What else is on your mind?

Another commercial. Are there any health problems of your own you want to discuss? No? Tell me about the commercial. They told you to ask your doctor if "Procreator" is right for you? Is that really the name? Depending on the stressed syllable, it's either a fertility agent or a cholesterol pill. It might also be an attempt to reintroduce Quaaludes into the market. It has side effects including memory loss, limb atrophy, and Weltschmerz. Well, what medicine doesn't, nowadays? It's either that or live with the sterility, take your pick.

Two Greco-Roman wrestlers. Interesting. If they were elderly Greco-Roman wrestlers, that might be a pitch for those new growth-hormone supplements, but you're too young for that. You're sure they were Greco-Roman? There's an ad with women in Mexican wrestling masks for a pill treating stress incontinence. I suggest patients avoid pro wrestling for a few months before trying that particular pill.

What did the music sound like? Pay attention to the key of the soundtrack. Minor chords indicate one of the SSRIs; major chords suggest a cure for diabetes. Any Philip Glass score is for an Alzheimer's drug.

An obese man walking a dog? Jolly-looking or overindulgent? Jolly suggests one of the appetite stimulants or a cholesterol pill; overindulgent usually means you're looking at a gastrointestinal lipid-blocking agent, or a cholesterol pill. Was the dog a schnauzer? I know that ad—it's actually for the dog. You don't need heartworm pills.

A man and woman shopping? Erectile dysfunction. Any commercial showing a man and woman washing dishes, sleeping fitfully, or rubbing their temples is also likely to be for erectile dysfunction. Have you been having any problems ... performing? No? Just asking. You seem to be watching a lot of television.

The jogger? You're on that pill—it's your blood-pressure pill. There's another one with a teenager in chest pain, or the grandfather bungee-jumping. You prefer the snowboarding pill? Sure. It's not on your insurance plan, but we can say you had some anal leakage with the other one and they'll cover it. You do have leakage? Well, switching won't help. Did you try that medicine where the woman runs up the stairs? I'll write you a prescription.

The little girl lost in the woods isn't advertising anything for you. It's a promotion for cosmetic appendix transplants, which are still in Phase III. Stick with the one you have for now, and we'll talk it over next year.

The ad with the cells floating through the blood, zapping other cells—great special effects. I don't know what the drug does, but we have some samples in the back if you'd like to try it out for a few weeks.

A truck hanging by a single bolt? That's a commercial for a truck. Do you need a truck?

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