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10月31日 An Eternal QuestionI don't know about you, but I will be very happy when this election is over. I don't think I can stand to hear another political harangue or mindless exhortation to vote for or against some particular ballot proposition. Given my current frame of mind, I was quite pleased to receive from my friends Bruce and Ana the following list of replies to a question that has vexed many of us over the years:
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? SARAH PALIN: Before it got to the other side, I shot the chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for lunch. BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change! JOHN MC CAIN: My friends that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me. GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun? COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE: I invented the chicken. JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it. AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens. DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken doesn’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road. NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone. GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Hope you all have a frightfully good halloween and a relaxing weekend. 10月24日 Thoughts for Tough TimesNo question, these are difficult times for all of us, as well as our fellow travelers on Spaceship Earth. Clearly, none of our politicians or pundits have an answer guaranteed to fix what ails us. Perhaps it is at moments like these that we should turn to those aphorisms that have withstood the ravages of time by virtue of the truth that they contain. I share the following with you, and hope you spend a part of this coming weekend reflecting on any that strikes a chord with you. Be well.
If I want my dreams to come true, I mustn't oversleep.
10月14日 Poverty"It is poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish." - Mother Teresa
October 15 has been designated as the day for bloggers around the world to share their thoughts and ideas about poverty, and to remind all of us just how far reaching is the problem, and how our avoidance of its reality helps to perpetuate it. I'm as guilty as the rest of us in looking the other way, and perhaps more so than some, for I have worked in Third World countries and the inner city, and have been closer to this scourge of our civilization than some of the rest of you. Still, I was shocked when I reviewed some of the current statistics regarding poverty in the world, and I hope those of you who read this will react in the same vein to a sufficient degree to do something about it. The magnitude of the problem is so great that it's easy to succumb to the temptation of saying, "This thing is so huge, there is nothing I can do that will matter." Yet, if you reach out to just one person, one family to offer aid, be it through your own circle, your church, or some established organization, your action will have measurable effect. Sitting on a thumbtack is more useful than having a good idea, for it makes you get up and do someting about it. Do something, people. In the meantime, here are a few facts for you to ponder:
At least 80% of humanity lives on less than $10 a day.
The poorest 40 percent of the world’s population accounts for 5 percent of global income. The richest 20 percent accounts for three-quarters of world income.
According to UNICEF, 26,500-30,000 children die each day due to poverty. And they “die quietly in some of the poorest villages on earth, far removed from the scrutiny and the conscience of the world. Being meek and weak in life makes these dying multitudes even more invisible in death.”
Nearly a billion people entered the 21st century unable to read a book or sign their names.
References for the above can be found at: http://www.globalissues.org/article/26/poverty-facts-and-stats 10月10日 The 401-Keg PlanIt's been another wild week in the economic world, and the wizards of Wall Street have found the magic formula for wealth - for themselves, naturally - privatize profits and socialize risk. I love it! They've even set up elaborate and expensive parties for themselves at posh resorts to help celebrate their triumphs. In times like these, you can invest using the government ATF model: put you money in alcohol, firearms and tobacco. Or, you can follow the variation as described in the program below.
RETIREMENT PLAN INVESTMENT TIP If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.
But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to
This is called the 401-Keg Plan. 10月3日 More Economic ReactionFor those of you who have been completely removed from all sources of news, Congress passed its economic bailout plan for Wall Street today. Wall Street responded with a further 157 point drop in the value of the Dow. My friend Mike, who is retired and has considerably more time than I do to write about these things, posted the following column yesterday. If you like what you read, you can check out what else he has to say at his site, www.travelingcurmudgeon.com and click on "Brain Static". Either way, have a good weekend.
The tuition is pretty high, but it’s not an elective course so, little by little and mostly against my will, I’m learning Economics. The Senate passed a minimally modified version of the bailout, so the House gets another crack at it when they get back. (The House took two days off for Rosh Hashana but apparently there are no Jews in the Senate.) If I understand correctly, here’s how the Senate changed the bill: to make it look like they care about the average Joe, they will increase federal insurance on bank deposits from $100,000 to $250,000. Now there’s a real weight off my shoulders. I don’t think it’s the guy who has $250,000 in cash lying around who needs help. Personally, I wasn’t really worried about that anyway. Whenever I find myself with piles of cash exceeding $100,000, I find another bank. That will work until there is only one Bank of the Universe left and by then it won’t be a concern, since BOTU will have reached the ultimate Wall Street goal: Too Big to Fail. But until then, if you only have one bank, and you have a quarter of a million in it, the Senate is looking out for you. Under the new rules, when your bank collapses, you are protected. If the bank runs out of money, the government will pay you back up to $250,000. The government—hey! That’s me! And Uncle Kenny and you and your mom and the mailman. Why, that could increase the $700 billion projected cost of this thing to …oh, wait. The only reason this new concession won’t be worse than the original plan is that it won’t actually do anything. Okay, then, never mind. There’s another change the Senate made that should help keep the banks and brokerage firms from collapsing: doing away with the “mark to market” rule. Right now, they are required to value their assets at the price they would get if they sold them today. They say this is a problem, since nobody is willing to buy mortgage-backed securities at any price and that makes valuation “difficult.” It isn’t difficult for me here on Main Street—if I can’t sell it, it isn’t worth anything. But on Wall Street, the result is that the financial institutions have to report enormous losses, which has the same effect on the paper shuffling they call The Economy as sugar in your gas tank has on your car’s engine. So under the new plan, the bankers won’t have to do it that way—they can make up a value for the assets. This worked quite well for Enron, as I recall. For a time. But that’s for (or against) future problems. For the immediate problem we—that’s you and me again—are going to buy up those “toxic assets” (you know it’s serious when “troubled” becomes “toxic”) to save the asses of the asses that currently own them. Secretary Paulson emphasizes that we won’t be paying face value for them, but will buy them at the “distressed” price so maybe they will eventually go up and we won’t lose the whole bundle. I’m not sure how they will calculate the distressed price but I don’t doubt that they will come up with something. They could get advice from Jeff Skilling and Andy Fastow—they should be easy to find… While they were at it, the Senate added some sweeteners to the bill. What they actually did was tack on an old tax bill that the House had already rejected. It gives new tax breaks for making movies, revises the law to help people avoid the Alternative Minimum Tax, and a few other things. I think Ted Stevens may have a bridge in there, too, but I’m not sure. Oh, and it’s not called “the $700 billion bailout” any more. Now it’s “the rescue package.” The $800 billion rescue package. |
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